Fake or Genuine? Why Showing Different Sides Doesn’t Make You Less You

Have you ever caught yourself acting differently depending on who you're with? Perhaps you found yourself to be more accommodating with a boss, more direct with a colleague, or more charming with a client. Have you wondered, "Am I being fake?"

Unlike the natural differences we expect when speaking to a child versus an adult, or a friend versus a family member, these closer-in professional shifts can feel trickier. The tension arises when the roles are similar, yet we feel pulled to show up differently in each.

That internal question is more common than we realise, especially among thoughtful people trying to live with integrity. And yet, the fear of appearing inconsistent can quietly chip away at our confidence, making us second-guess how we show up in different spaces.

The Misconception About Consistency

We’re conditioned to equate authenticity with consistency. There’s a cultural bias that says, "Be the same person everywhere, or you’re not being true to yourself." It’s well-meaning advice, but it flattens the human experience.

In reality, we’re not one-dimensional. We are dynamic and layered. Our values may stay consistent, but how we express them can shift depending on who we’re with, what’s needed, and the context we’re navigating. Role theory in sociology helps explain this. We naturally shift between social roles (leader, parent, peer, advisor), each with its own set of expectations. That doesn't mean we’re dishonest. It means we are socially attuned.

Adaptability is Not Inauthenticity

One of the quiet truths we’ve observed at InsideOut Well is that genuine people tend to adapt, not to people-please, but to honour connection. They sense what’s appropriate in a room, they dial up or down certain energies, and they meet others where they are, while staying anchored in their values.

A useful metaphor we often share is this: think of a person as a gem. A real gem has many facets, and depending on the light, different sides sparkle. But it’s all the same stone. The fact that you show a different side in a different moment doesn’t mean you’re hiding anything. It just means you’re human, responsive, and attuned.

Take for example, a client who once said, "I feel like a chameleon. I’m warm and relaxed with my peers, but I turn into a quiet, guarded version of myself around senior leadership." In coaching, it became clear that she wasn't being fake. She was navigating risk, safety, and power dynamics. What helped was anchoring back to her values. Showing respect didn’t have to mean silencing her ideas.

Where It Can Go Wrong

It’s important to acknowledge that shifting how we show up can slide into people-pleasing, self-abandonment or manipulation. The line is subtle but real. A useful self-check is this: are you changing your expression to connect with others while staying true to your values? Or are you contorting yourself to avoid discomfort, rejection, or judgment?

Cognitive dissonance is that internal disquiet when your actions clash with your self-image. It is worth paying attention to. It doesn’t always mean something’s wrong. Sometimes it means you’re growing. But if it becomes chronic, it’s a signal to pause and realign.

The Pressure to Feel "Genuine"

There’s a particular pressure in leadership and caregiving roles, including parenting, to always feel emotionally coherent. But the truth is, there’s room for nuance. You can be tired and still encouraging. You can disagree with someone and still show them grace. You can lead decisively in a meeting and still sit quietly in a moment of personal uncertainty. None of that makes you fake. It makes you emotionally literate.

A Note for the Overthinkers

If you’ve ever felt paralysed by the thought, "They might think I’m not being real," take a moment to ask yourself: Are you being reactive or are you being intentional? Are you betraying your values or adjusting your expression of them?

Chances are, you’re not being fake. You’re simply bringing forward the part of you that fits the moment. And that, when done consciously, is one of the highest forms of emotional intelligence.

The Takeaway

So perhaps the better question isn’t "Am I being fake?" but rather, "Am I allowing myself to be fully human: different, yet integrated; adaptive, yet rooted?" Genuine presence isn’t about being the same in every room. It’s about maintaining coherence across roles and knowing who you are, even as you flex how you express it.

That’s not just being genuine. That’s being whole.