The Self-Sabotage Spiral: Why We Pull Back Just When Things Start to Work

We often think of fear showing up as hesitation, paralysis, or inaction. But sometimes, fear wears the mask of movement; a subtle retreat disguised as pragmatism. You build momentum, start seeing progress… and then something shifts. A skipped session. A lost email thread. A creeping voice that says, “Maybe you’re not quite ready for this.”

Welcome to the self-sabotage spiral: the moment we pull back not because things are failing, but because they’re finally starting to work.

“The greatest battle we face is not with the world — it’s with our own upper limit." - Gay Hendricks, The Big Leap

Recognising the Spiral

Self-sabotage rarely looks like a dramatic implosion. More often, it’s quiet, rational, almost defensible.

You’ve probably seen it in yourself or someone else:

• After weeks of consistent workouts, suddenly “life gets in the way.”

• A promising new habit begins...then somehow slips.

• You receive good feedback on a project and start second-guessing it.

• The relationship is going well, so you pick a fight.

It doesn’t feel like sabotage. It feels like life. But when you zoom out, you notice the pattern: every time you move forward, you pull back.

This is what Gay Hendricks refers to as the Upper Limit Problem. It refers to the idea that each of us has a self-imposed ceiling for how much success, joy, or progress we’re willing to allow before unconsciously trying to return to what’s familiar.

What Drives Self-Sabotage

At its core, self-sabotage is rarely about laziness. It’s about safety. Even positive change can feel threatening especially when it challenges long-held stories we tell ourselves.

Some common roots include:

Fear of Success

It sounds counterintuitive, but success comes with new expectations, visibility, and responsibility. We fear not just the climb, but the pressure of staying at the top.

Fear of Change

Even good change disrupts the comfort of routine. We fear losing the identity we’ve grown used to even if we say we don’t like it.

Loyalty to Old Narratives

“I’ve always been the one who struggles with this.” When progress contradicts identity, the tension can be unsettling. We return to the version of ourselves we recognise, even if it no longer serves us.

Anticipatory Rejection

Going all in opens you up to deeper loss. So we hedge. We hold back effort to protect against disappointment. If we don’t give it everything, we can always say, “Well, I wasn’t really trying.”

In a Psychological Science study (Wood, Heimpel & Michela, 2003), individuals with low self-esteem were shown to actively resist positive feedback because it conflicted with their internal self-image. They found it more emotionally consistent to dwell in criticism than to integrate praise.

The Identity Gap

This is the heart of the spiral: when your external progress starts to outpace your internal identity.

Your mind notices a mismatch. You’re behaving like someone who is thriving but you still see yourself as someone who struggles.

This gap creates internal dissonance. To resolve it, you either elevate your identity to match your new behaviour or you sabotage your behaviour to fall back in line with your old identity.

“We are not afraid of the unknown. We are afraid of losing the known.” - Krishnamurti

This is why true transformation is rarely about behaviour change alone. It requires an identity shift. A redefinition of who you are, and what you’re allowed to become.

How to Break the Pattern

Self-sabotage isn’t a flaw. It’s a misplaced form of self-protection. But once you see the pattern, you can start to unhook from it.

Here’s how:

1. Name the Pattern

Awareness interrupts the cycle. Start noticing where your momentum falters. Is it after praise? After progress? After clarity? The moment you feel yourself “pulling back,” pause.

2. Normalize Discomfort

Growth is meant to feel unfamiliar. Don’t mistake discomfort for danger. Remind yourself that the awkwardness is proof you’re moving beyond old limits.

3. Re-align Identity

Instead of waiting to feel like “the kind of person who,” start using transitional identity language:

“I’m becoming the kind of person who follows through.” or “I’m learning how to stay with it, even when it feels new.” Language matters especially when it reshapes self-concept.

4. Stabilise with Rituals

Create routines that anchor your progress regardless of motivation. These aren’t grand gestures. They’re small stabilisers that keep your trajectory from swinging wildly with emotion.

Self-Reflection Exercise

Take five minutes. Write freely, no overthinking.

Think of a time when you made meaningful progress — and then something shifted.

• What were you doing consistently before the shift?

• What story or fear surfaced as you gained momentum?

• What might you have been protecting yourself from?

• If you could reframe that moment now, what would you choose to believe?

You don’t need to solve it all today. You just need to see it clearly. Awareness begins the unravelling.

From Spiral to Steady Rise

Progress isn’t always linear but sabotage is a loop. If you’ve found yourself here before, you’re not broken. You’re just brushing up against a threshold you haven’t fully outgrown. Yet.

With clarity, care, and a few new rituals, you can rise beyond the limits you once set for yourself. And that rise won’t be perfect. But it will be real.